Ever meet some chick on twitter cause you’re doin PR for some DJ and you start hollering at all the other publicists on twitter and then some hip hop publicist chick from Minneapolis hits you back and says wuttup then gives you her number then one day you text her when bored and say “wherever you tell me to drive I’ll drive, provided it’s in the domestic US” and then she says drive to Minneapolis then you pack your car and drive to Minneapolis and end up spending three months on the road?  Well… I do that pretty much every weekend.  So… enjoy some of the short stories that comprise my life, and my book.


Fantasy Springs

I told her not to take out a hundred bucks from the ATM. We were in Indio, California at Fantasy Springs, some hotel casino in the desert, and we were gonna play some fake roulette and double our money. "Can you afford to lose a hundred bucks?"  I asked her. "I'm not playing to lose! I'm gonna win!" Ohhhh... I totally misread that withdrawal. I thought you might lose. So I promise myself, given the fact that we are sleepin outta the car tonight at a Flying J's truck stop, that I should spend no more than forty bucks. So [...]

July 12th, 2016|

Mortician By Day, Stripper By Night

It was snowing. A lot. I was in Wyoming edging my way into South Dakota. We were heading for Deadwood (yeah that town actually exists… it’s not just on Netflix) to stay at a lil ol house this lil ol lady originally from Long Island had turned into a hostel. I see the 'Welcome to South Dakota' sign through the thick quilt of snowfall as my car tiptoes across Wyoming and since I always gotta pee, I pull over to pee… Cause I gotta pee. So it’s snowing a fuckin blizzard outside and I’m just peein while simultaneously taking a [...]

February 28th, 2016|

Country Twerking.

I get to the Grand Canyon Hostel in Flagstaff Arizona and pull up in my benzo packed with my entire life in the backseat... Basically books and a space heater, and the dude at the front desk says "Yo it's Friday night.  Lots of shit goin on." "Yeah?  Like what?" "Naughty by nature." "Come again?" "Naughty by nature is playing a few blocks away." Rad. So I shower for the first time in a few days cause I'm a dirty fuck in the hostel bathroom and put on my gear and I'm lookin fresh as a motherfuck and then Eric [...]

February 14th, 2016|

She Offered Me Mushrooms.

It was New Years Eve. I had been on the Amtrak for approximately 124 hours. I was somewhere in Kansas I think. That’s when I realized there was a party goin on in the observation car. So I got up outta my seat and left the kid that I was sittin next to, this twenty-year old kid that was studying economics at Cornell and teaching me everything there was to know about the railroad industry, and somewhere around 1AM I mosey on over to the observation car. I wobble my way through three cars full of sleeping passengers and push [...]

January 10th, 2016|

Toxic Adventures

So I wrote this book. It's called Drifter... for now at least, although I really like the title Toxic Adventures as I was namin this blog post.  Anyway it's all about how I landed myself in the most infamous boarding school in America when I was fifteen, how I escaped to be a homeless runaway teen and the aftermath of my toxic adventures. So I make a firm goal.  My goal is this: Print 10,000 copies of my book and sell them all, one at a time.  No publisher, just me.  And risk a majority of my money to do [...]

January 10th, 2016|

Drinkin Zig’s Kool Aid In Albuquerque

I hate my job, I thought as I drove through the desert of New Mexico. I hate it. What else could I do? I could try and sell my book!  Should it be a coffee table book instead?  Maybe I could be a cartoonist? Or maybe I could... fuck. I have no idea. I bring my mind back to the car ride just as Seth Godin, the marketing guru that Tim Ferriss is interviewing on his podcast that I'm listening to, I bring my mind back to the car ride just as I hear the words "greatest audiobook to listen [...]

January 9th, 2016|

Come To My Birthday Party

I was parked at a Walmart in Springfield, Missouri. I was plannin to sleep there, cause you can sleep in the parkin lot of Walmart without gettin woken up by the cops like I did last night.  Did you know that? I was fuckin around on Facebook and decided to hit up this dude that I remembered lived in Springfield.  I had never met him before, but I did PR for him a couple years ago for his SXSW party called Lose Control. I was like "Yo.  In Springfield.  Your town is weird." "YOU'RE HERE?" He writes back asap. "Yup." [...]

January 8th, 2016|


It was a Tuesday night. A dark and stormy-- wait, no, it was a regular Tuesday night. It was dark and quiet at the lake I parked at in some wealthy suburb outside of St. Louis, except for the teenage kids that rolled by in their Charger screaming "STOP BLOWING HIM".  It was just me.  Heather wasn't here yet... and I wasn't blowing myself.  Stupid fuckin kids.  Actually I liked those kids.  Anyway it was dark and quiet and the lake was breezy and I thought, man... this is the PERFECT spot.  Time to hit the air (mattress). THEN A [...]

December 6th, 2015|

If Only We Had A Translator, Maybe I Wouldn’ta Moved To Argentina

I was in Hawaii at Señor Frogs sitting on one of those chairs that make it look like you're sitting on your butt with a thong bikini on and I'm drunk and I'm alone, well, I was with my friend but not sure where he dissolved to, and I'm staring at this one girl. She wasn’t particularly GORGEOUS but there was something about her that I couldn't battle. Her adorable playful natural way of frolicking through the club maybe. I'm watching her from across the room and then she and her boyfriend... Right, she was with her boyfriend, but she [...]

November 1st, 2015|

Revenge Is A Dish Of Carrots

So the Aussie who nearly killed me in my sleep from part one of this story, he tells me one day that if you eat twelve carrots you get a disease called Carotitus (or some shit) and you turn orange. I told him that was the dumbest thing I ever heard. He told me he knew what he was talkin about. I told him he was drunk. He said, I'm sober. YOU'RE drunk. He mighta been right. So we make a bet: Aright, if this idiotic disease actually exists, then I'll eat twelve carrots and get Carotitus, which doesn't exist-- [...]

October 26th, 2015|