WELCOME TO SNIPPETS

Sometimes there’s nothing left to describe an odd slice of life other than a ‘snippet’.  Sometimes days become these really engraved memories, but after awhile, you realize it’s just another goddam snippet in the history of your brain.  Anyway- these stories range from being offensive to REALLY offensive, but if you got the stomach, eat up.  Or if you want the WHOLE shebang, here is the book version of this blog.  Aright, scroll down.

TAKE A BITE

Instagram Kills Cartoon, The Story

INSTAGRAM KILLS CARTOON STRIP Tina never played sports in school.  She was always the girly girl that went to softball practice just to gossip about boys.  She was only ten years old when she asked her mom if she could wear eyeshadow to school. All the girls are doing it mom. And so she showed up a bit prematurely provocative, but to no harm.  Everyone simply complimented her and moved on.  The boys gave her a slight bit more attention and her best friend Jessica possibly seemed a bit more distant than usual.  Doesn't matter, just a minor detail in [...]

August 24th, 2016|

Lying About Stuff

You know that book you feel SO proud to be reading that you leave it out everywhere you go? Like that time I was reading The Great Gatsby but I wasn’t really reading The Great Gatsby cause I had finished the book MONTHS ago but then I saw that this chick was reading it at some cafe so I was like "Yooooo!!!  I'm reading that book too!!!!" But that was a total lie.  I think at the time I was REALLY reading some whackass self help book about how to fulfill my life purpose even though I wasn't sure what [...]

February 19th, 2016|

3SUM

Okay here's a fun story about a threesome. I was 25, she was 18. It was the SKIT SKAT Awards SHOW... a comedy festival I had produced in NYC. This was the night of the awards show where we recognized all the great sketches.. but for me... it was a different night. I had cast all these girls to be on-air personalities and then hired a camera crew and told everyone to show up at the club in Times Square where we were hosting the awards. We even had a digital billboard on 42nd street... So yeah, the club was [...]

December 12th, 2015|

Ex-Girlfriend

Aright so I'm goin to the Bourgeois Pig in a minute to meet my ex-girlfriend and even tho it was like eight years ago that we dated it still is nevertheless my ex-girlfriend. And I gotta say... I still really wanna fuck her. And I'm not going into this teatime get-together thingamajig hoping to get laid, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't wanna rip her clothes off and make out with her and throw her on my bed till we have sex like we did when we first met in NYC when we were costars in this [...]

December 11th, 2015|

RUNAWAY TEEN, PART I

Flower picked up. GREGGY!!!!! I couldn’t believe my ears. FLOWER!!!!  WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?  WHERE’D YOU GO?!?! I’m so sorry Greggy they made me leave and I went to Switzerland and then I ran away with Kiki and then we got tickets to come back here and I’m doin it Greggy, the whole Kerouac thing! I couldn't believe I had found her. she continued… Everything we talked about! I’m free Greggy! Come be with me, let’s be free! Where are you? I’m in a city called Providence and there’s all these— WAIT— She kept talking but here’s what I was [...]

December 10th, 2015|

I Fell In Love With A Stripper In Reno But Ended Up In Jail In El Paso

I was 25 years old and called up my friend Ryan and asked him if he knew how to use a camera. "A Camera?  Sure.  I guess.  Why?” "Okay.. We’re taking a month long trip to walk Ooli (my Doberman RIP) across the country.  It’ll be fucking hilarious.  You in?” "Dude.  I’m broke.” "No no, I’ll pay you.  All expenses covered.  Let’s leave today.” "In who’s car?” "Hmmm… I’ll go get one.  Meet me in Prospect Park in like two hours and be ready to go”. So I went to some rental car place over in NJ somewhere. [me talking to the rental car dude] “So… Unlimited miles, right?” [...]

November 4th, 2015|

If Only We Had A Translator, Maybe I Wouldn’ta Moved To Argentina

I was in Hawaii at Señor Frogs sitting on one of those chairs that make it look like you're sitting on your butt with a thong bikini on and I'm drunk and I'm alone, well, I was with my friend but not sure where he dissolved to, and I'm staring at this one girl. She wasn’t particularly GORGEOUS but there was something about her that I couldn't battle. Her adorable playful natural way of frolicking through the club maybe. I'm watching her from across the room and then she and her boyfriend... Right, she was with her boyfriend, but she [...]

November 1st, 2015|

Runaway Teen Part III – The Girl With Dreadie Hair

READ PART I READ PART II The bus pulled onto a dark street at midnight, but Flower was NOWHERE to be seen. The Greyhound station was closed. I sat on a deserted street in downtown Providence.  No clue what to do. I had nowhere to sleep, I had no direction, I knew no one, I had no plan… but I was free, and that was all that mattered. I took out a note with Kiki’s number on it, it was the only thing other than my calling card and that 100 but I had in my pockets… I walked over to [...]

October 29th, 2015|

Little Room For Error – Runaway Teen Part II

I had to get 23 bucks for the bus ticket to providence I was tellin you about yesterday.  CUT TO Dinner table. Hey mom?  Marks wants to take me to Benihana tomorrow for a late lunch after he gets off work before my visitation is over.  Is it cool if I go with him? My mom and dad exchanged looks. That’s not in the contract. I haven’t seen him in like three years. More looks exchanged. Okay. Can I borrow like twenty-five bux?  To pay for my meal? More looks exchanged. Something was off. Did I blow my cover? Was [...]

October 29th, 2015|

Revenge Is A Dish Of Carrots

So the Aussie who nearly killed me in my sleep from part one of this story, he tells me one day that if you eat twelve carrots you get a disease called Carotitus (or some shit) and you turn orange. I told him that was the dumbest thing I ever heard. He told me he knew what he was talkin about. I told him he was drunk. He said, I'm sober. YOU'RE drunk. He mighta been right. So we make a bet: Aright, if this idiotic disease actually exists, then I'll eat twelve carrots and get Carotitus, which doesn't exist-- [...]

October 26th, 2015|

Comments

comments