WELCOME TO ILLEGAL ACTIVITIES

OKAY LOOK, I’M INNOCENT. Oh shit.  Sorry, auto-correct.  What I meant to say is that none of this is really true.  Except it is.  Except it isn’t.  I’m not actually sure of my constitutional rights here so I’ll just play dumb.  Let’s just say, for the sake of nothing, that these stories might be true.  They’re covered in more detail in my book, but if you haven’t yet read it, till then, enjoy the short stories that aren’t really true but are but aren’t but what? huh?

PLEASE TRY THIS AT HOME

The Last Two Grand I Had.

I was twenty-two and had nothing but 2K my grandma had given me as a “loan” to get my life together. At the time I was producing plays for a living in NYC and had just lost 7K on my last show, "Tape" by Stephen Belber.  It was a massive blow and the 2K that my grandma 'loaned' me was not nearly enough to produce another play and get back on my feet… so I had no idea what to do. I had no high school, no college, I didn’t even have waiter experience at the time. All I knew [...]

October 11th, 2016|

The Boiler Room

So I walk into the office to begin my nine-hour day telemarketing for a commodities brokerage firm in Deerfield Beach Florida. I was 17. I had long hair, an apartment in the middle of Little Haiti AKA Lemon City (google it) no money, a girlfriend at home cause she was too afraid to leave the apartment and whenever she had to, to buy a can of soup or beans for instance, every Haitian in town thought she was a hooker. Then there was this small problem that I had with my roommate that I met at Hidden Lake Academy: he [...]

January 28th, 2016|

The LAPD Helicopters Chased My Uhaul

It was 7pm. We were in all black. Tegan, Curtis and myself. I wanted to wear my mustard pants but Tegan wouldn't let me. So we were in all black. We rented a 14ft U-Haul. Then my buddy Mark showed up in his 1970 Chevrolet Chevelle SS and the guerrilla don't get us sent to jail shoot had officially begun. We wanted the biggest building in Hollywood and I had staked out our spot perfectly... Nobody would catch us. We carefully backed our U-Haul into a small alleyway by the side of a Mobil gas station on Santa Monica and Highland and turned [...]

October 15th, 2015|

The Art Of The Overnight Deal

My flight takes off in one hour. I get in a cab in Brooklyn, sit in remarkable traffic, get to the airport and race from the backseat of my taxi to the security checkpoint… There’s twenty-three grand duct-taped to my balls. Beads of sweat soak my inner soul as I stare at my ticket to make sure it hasn’t been marked with a ‘SSS’ which, as I learned, was the special mark that meant I had to get a thorough search due to my weird last-minute roundtrip ticket that would land me back in NY the day after tomorrow. I [...]

October 14th, 2015|

One Day In The Life Of A Drug Dealer (well, pot)

At 9am I’m writing a screenplay about this girl named robyn smith who witnessed a murder as a child then found out her boyfriend was the gay lover of the sheriff’s son, the sheriff’s son she swore had committed the murder she witnessed as a child in Lake Charles Louisiana, and that her boyfriend had only been dating her for two years to find out how much she actually remembered of the murder to protect his gay lover… the sheriff’s son.  That’s what my screenplay was about… KNOCK KNOCK I put my coffee down and unlock the door and in [...]

October 4th, 2015|

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