Bumble Date Story #1

Number One:  Wait… Should I Take The Mussels?

So this chick I met on Bumble starts off the conversation by telling me that some dude came on her hair at a nightclub ‘at the speed of cum’.

I didn’t know what the fuck that meant

So I met up with her anyway and asked her to wear some huge hoop earrings… cause I like that shit.

Anyway I go to Long Beach.. in Long Island… not Cali, it’s some beach town on the south shore… and I meet up with her and she shows up sexy as fuck with her tits hangin outa her romper with hoops down to her shoulders.

We sit down and she says you look vegetarian… are you vegetarian?

Obviously I was not jacked up enough for her.

She knows I’m sober and says she will obviously not drink.

I say I don’t care.

She says okay fine I’ll take a sangria… she says that to the waitress.

She says she likes crazy dudes. I say I’m crazy. She takes a sip of her sangria and it’s already halfway gone.

She says can I call you daddy?

I says yeah you like that typa sex, huh?

We’re just playfully kidding around…

She says I’m crazier than you, I’ll burn your apartment down.

I say I’ll burn yours down.

She says you’ll never see my apartment.

I say depends on how much sangria you have.

She orders another sangria… I was happy about that.

You don’t mind, right?

I say no the drunker you are the better.

But then I realize she’s gettin a bit too feisty a bit too fast with the booze. Maybe she is too crazy…

At some point in the next five minutes she calls me a little bitch.

I say she’s being cunty.

She says now I’m pissed.

I say me too… but I’m joking.

She’s not.

Maybe I crossed the line…

She takes another sip of sangria and says

No like I’m pissed.

I can’t tell if she’s serious cause we been fuckin around for like thirty minutes.

Are you really?

Like I might leave.

I’m laughing.

You think this is funny?

What?

I’m going to the bathroom.

She puts on her sunglasses.

Is this chick leaving?

She heads to the bathroom and I’m very confused.

She comes back five minutes later on her phone.

You know I was kidding right?

YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW ME!

Uh oh…

YOU JUST CALL ME A CUNT?!?

No no, said you were being cunty. But like, I was kidding.  Didn’t you call me like a vegetarian little bitch ten times or whatever?

I SWEAH I NEAHLY FWUKIN LEFT YOU

Her accent comes out. Now I know it’s real.  So I say

I mean you can leave if you want.

I think I will.

She puts her clown sized sunglasses on.

Jeez her tits are perfect…

She gets up and leaves in front of the entire beach bar.

Mini scene.

There’s mussels and quesadillas on the table.

I grab some waiter who’s not my waiter

in a whisper I say GET ME THE FUCK OUTA HERE

I got you.. he gets the situation.

Man that chick was hot… that fuckin romper and those hoops and her tits and–

The waiter comes back and says

One minute

Wait!

Yeah?

Can I take all this to go?

Even the mussels?

Can I take mussels to go? Will they go bad?

I don’t know they might.

I start thinking… am I going home or to the cigar lounge?  That’s where me and my buddies hang out…

Hmmm… should I take the mussels?

Nah just the quesadillas I tell him.

Okay… and he clears the table.

The waitress, our original waitress, comes by and drops the check and gives me a horrid smile then diverts eye contact and leaves awkwardly like ‘oh man she LEFT!?’

I pay the sixty fuckin dollars and leave with my quesadillas.

But no mussels.

The end.

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