Yo I dunno how else to say this to you, but this is some pretty funny shit.  Most of these stories are at my expense, some are from my book… but I’d gently caress you elsewhere if you don’t have a sense of humor about this twisted life existence.


Wait… Should I Take The Mussels?

So this chick starts off the conversation by telling me that some dude came on her hair at a nightclub 'at the speed of cum'. I didn't know what the fuck that meant So I met up with her anyway and asked her to wear some huge hoop earrings... cause I like that shit. Anyway I go to Long Beach.. in Long Island... not Cali, it's some beach town on the south shore... and I meet up with her and she shows up sexy as fuck with her tits hangin outa her romper with hoops down to her shoulders. We [...]

May 23rd, 2017|

Instagram Kills Cartoon, The Story

INSTAGRAM KILLS CARTOON STRIP Tina never played sports in school.  She was always the girly girl that went to softball practice just to gossip about boys.  She was only ten years old when she asked her mom if she could wear eyeshadow to school. All the girls are doing it mom. And so she showed up a bit prematurely provocative, but to no harm.  Everyone simply complimented her and moved on.  The boys gave her a slight bit more attention and her best friend Jessica possibly seemed a bit more distant than usual.  Doesn't matter, just a minor detail in [...]

August 24th, 2016|

You Know When You’re Embarrassed To Be Reading The Book You’re Reading?

You know when you're embarrassed to be reading the book you're reading so everywhere you go you try to hide the cover? Or if it's a hardcover you take off the slip and you don’t throw it away cause it cost you money so instead you hide it in your room in your drawer at the bottom of all those papers till you're done reading it then put the dust jacket back on and shove it backwards in the back of your bookshelf so the binding is against the back of your bookshelf and only the pages are showing to [...]

February 5th, 2016|

Today I Was Bored So

So I just photoshopped my latest parking ticket and rearranged some of the letters and numbers to make it an official unofficial "How Do You Like YOUR Scrambled Gregs" parking ticket and I'm currently at Staples on Sunset and Wilcox after I ordered a hundred pages, three fake parking tickets per page, cutting them into shape on the one shitty cutter they have. Check it: But right now I'm on a chair by the computer cause me and some older hippie chick are switching off cuttin shit and now it's her turn.  She's got these weird pocket sized fluorescent skeletons [...]

November 14th, 2015|

I Just REALLY Wanna Go Down On You

So I'm at some really posh pool party at a joint called Skybar at the Mondrian hotel in West Hollywood and my buddy Eric Sharp is DJing and the crowd is a collection of the most sexually frustrating outfitted human beings on earth.  I'm sitting down on the wooden patio with my buddy Charlie and his girlfriend staring at a girl with the most plump delicious ass I've ever seen and it's tucked in all snug-like into this black playboy-looking one-piece bathing suit with holes all over it that make it too revealing for my hormones to relax. I can't [...]

October 25th, 2015|

They Told Me I Was A Farmer

ENFP PERSONALITY TYPE So I took this personality test yesterday, and it says I’d be a great farmer, and park ranger. It says I’m logically retarded. It says that I would be a great actor, writer, journalist, graphic designer, web designer, psychologist, speech pathologist, interpreter, scientist, MINISTER and a great fuckin farmer and park ranger. Wanna know something funny? I’ve always wanted to be a farmer. HOW THE FUCK DID PERSONALITYMAX KNOW THAT SHIT?!?!?! Know something else? My mom always wanted me to be a park ranger. WHY THE FUCK DO YOU WANT ME TO BE A PARK RANGER MOM!? [...]

September 4th, 2015|