MY DIARY

Ever overshare about an ex-girlfriend and then realize that she is gonna read the post you just wrote and know it’s her but now it’s too late to delete it cause you just posted it on Facebook and never thought she’d actually be following your blog close enough to click on that link that says “Ex-Girlfriend” cause you’re not even really friends but then you realize you’re a fuckin idiot and of course she read it and then she comments on it and calls herself out and you feel all weird an shit for a day?  Well… that’s why I call this section my ‘diary’.  This is the only section that is NOT in my book, so enjoy my personal life.

READ MY LIFE. CAUSE IT'S PROBABLY YOURS TOO.

The Night I Went To Pump.

So I'd never been to Pump (that Lisa Vanderpump placein West Hollywood) cause, well, why the fuck would I go to Pump? Fuck that place. Anyway I had never been there but then this girl comes up to me on Melrose and Robertson and says "Who can I pay a million dollars to for a cigarette?" She's with a friend. I don't know these chicks. I'm with my two dude friends. Chris and Riley. Anyway Chris starts jabbering away and saying that cigarettes will kill you as I pull out my cigarettes and wait for my million dollar check from [...]

February 2nd, 2016|

One Day In The Life of Not Being Famous On Social Media

I was on my way to my homegirl Shennanigans (Shannon) surprise 30th bday party in downtown LA, but before I got there I walked into this cafe to grab a coffee when I saw this girl with her sketchpad out. She was workin on this pic of James Dean I think, or some handsome dead movie star, and so I went up to her and I said "yo, you didn't draw that did you?" She didn't even really look up from all her Tinder matches to answer me. "yeah i did" She was just sittin there with an espresso, which [...]

January 24th, 2016|

SURVIVAL OF THE FAKEST

So these two white trash porn stars are in the corner of the cafe I'm in and some fat Asian dude is buying them lunch, actually he already bought them lunch, and these two chicks are munchin the living shit outta this meal and I just gotta ask:  Why do porn stars eat such fattening meals and why do they still look like porn stars after they order ten fried chicken gizzards and eat em up all without ever enrolling at a gym? And before I jump to OUTRAGEOUS conclusions, it should be noted that I'm not sure they're porn stars.  [...]

January 21st, 2016|

Ex-Girlfriend

Aright so I'm goin to the Bourgeois Pig in a minute to meet my ex-girlfriend and even tho it was like eight years ago that we dated it still is nevertheless my ex-girlfriend. And I gotta say... I still really wanna fuck her. And I'm not going into this teatime get-together thingamajig hoping to get laid, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't wanna rip her clothes off and make out with her and throw her on my bed till we have sex like we did when we first met in NYC when we were costars in this [...]

December 11th, 2015|

Jailbait Gypsy

So I go to the bourgeois pig, that's my spot, to write my book, or edit it, rather, for the fifth time so that I can finally fucking finish this shit that I've been working on for five years... and so I walk into the cafe and say hi to the barista dude that's my homie's homie, now my homie, and head to the back when BAMM These two chick-gypsy lookin chicks are sitting on this couch and I was like damn these chicks are madd young, or maybe I'm mad old, and I get all excited cause I'm gonna [...]

December 10th, 2015|

Tinder, Part II

Okay... So remember that Asian chick I was talkin about?  In Tinder Part I?  The girl that showed up to my apartment looking way better than her pics lookin slutty as hell and literally wanted to just go down on me pretty immediately after walking through the door without cuddling or even asking what my real name was?  And then left my apartment fairly immediately to go to some Hollywood club?  And it was a perfect fucking Tinder experience?  And it was the ONLY fucking perfect Tinder experience?  And then I wrote all about her and said she was now [...]

October 14th, 2015|

Comments

comments